The Dead God
by Alana Haseen
Summary: Duo Deathfic. Duo is having problems copeing with new emotions for his fellow pilots. He has only one way out. I dont own him or any of the other pilots. Sorry if ya thought I did.


Wuffers, Trowa, Heero, Quatre~  
  
Your right. I don't wanna be saved. The 10 new cuts on my arm suggests that. I guess  
  
what I am trying to say is...This is what I am willing to do. Willing to dig deeper then I  
  
ever have. You don't get it. None of you will ever fucking get it. And it PISSES me  
  
off! None of you will ever know this feeling unless you become me and that is not gunna  
  
happen. I've said it countless number of times and I don't think it sunk in properly.   
  
Either that or you didn't pay attention. Or ya just don't bloody care. Doesn't matter  
  
anymore. No matter how many times I say it it wont matter.  
  
Yeah I admitted something. I admitted many things, trying to get everyone else to do the  
  
same. Ta be honest with everyone else, but what good does it do me or anyone else?   
  
None. But hell if I am being honest now I'd better say this so it gets out. So ya can tell  
  
why sometimes I am uncomfortable 'round y'all.  
  
I LOVE YOU. Lets add MORE emphasis on the love because I cant emphasis it  
  
enough. I bloody LOVE you. Do you know how insane this makes me? How  
  
confused? What kind of love? I'm not sure. I believe deep but I've never felt this before.  
  
Fei-  
  
There have been times you understand certain situations better then anyone else. Certain  
  
times ya don't understand but I feel we don't really tend ta dwell on this. Unless we  
  
do...Certain times your confusing then others not. It's almost an unstable relationship but  
  
it is fun. Adds to our character.  
  
I know you are gunna ask me why the hell I would love you, but by now it should be  
  
obvious. Your beautiful, smart, understanding, caring, fun, funny, 'hugable' (my word),   
  
always there, and though your with Trowa (which honestly made me twitch. Not the  
  
relationship because obviously I am at least bi but...I dunno. Hard ta explain in  
  
parentheses). I cant stop seeing you and being in love. Just about everything you do your  
  
good at and I am extremely envious of that. Your hair is always perfect, your smile  
  
always warm and glowing, your eyes are deep and frankly I find I have a hard time lying to  
  
ya. You know when to push and when ta sit there in silence till I talk (either way I talk)  
  
How can I not love you?  
  
Tro-  
  
I know you don't wanna hear this. You've mentioned many times that you would go  
  
insane if another person said they love you so I'm not really saying it. I'm writing it. I am  
  
so sorry that you don't wanna hear this and are gunna hear it anyway. You detect my  
  
bullshit better then anyone ever has. Without evidence you know what I think. I've  
  
connected with you. Or maybe its me wanting my mind to think that. Either way. You  
  
protect me and yet also allow me to be free.  
  
Your caring, understanding, beautiful, smart, protective, fun, funny (most of these really  
  
are compliments to everyone as well as yourself). Impossible to lie (Grr), hugable (come  
  
on you should have known I was gunna put that). When ya told me ya had loved Fei  
  
(which it became obvious you still do/did) I...Kinda got scared. What would happen?   
  
Two people I openly hugged a lot would be together and I would soon become too scared  
  
to hug them. Obviously I've gotten over it.  
  
Terribly sorry yours is so long but I added a lot in there that has ta do with both you and  
  
Fei. Your the only one with that voice that gets me ta do just about anything ya want.   
  
I've talked to you a lot and appreciate what you have done for me. I love you because  
  
you are you. The sarcasm has a charm I doubt anyone can resist.  
  
I know I cant.  
  
Chibi Hee-Chan-  
  
Heh you really don't like that name. Let this be the last time I call ya it, OK? I actually  
  
don't think we have ever gotten into a formal fight. Least since we became friends. I  
  
really appreciate everything you've don't for me. Trying to protect me from myself  
  
(though apparently I am long gone so trying to save me now is pointless)  
  
I've said all of this to the others as well but it certainly pertains to all of you. Your  
  
beautiful, smart, fun, funny (Hn...::grin::), hugable (mideswell just assume that for  
  
everyone instead of writing it so many times). Understanding, caring, VERY protective  
  
and always watching my back. Ya keep me aware of my surroundings and constantly  
  
reminded me of what was worth living for.  
  
My friends.  
  
For all of that I am eternally grateful and have grown to love you. I know you don't love  
  
me the same way and I respect that. After all you don't love Quat that way and really I  
  
am NOTHING compared to her.  
  
And yet I still love you.  
  
Always will.  
  
Q-Man-  
  
The only one with the habit of saying "Oh, Duo" hundreds of times in a conversation.   
  
Yes, Quat I love you too. Yet ya left this year, Business and a new life. From what I  
  
have heard you have done real well for yourself and I salute ya for it. At one of the  
  
reunions we all went to I stuck with you and we had many intellectual conversations. No  
  
one, sides you, has ever tried to have an intellectual conversation with me. After all I am  
  
the braided baka. What would I know of intellect?  
  
Honestly, there have been times when you see right through me and others where I  
  
couldn't tell if you say what I meant. It really is fine though. Normally when I don't say it  
  
blunt no one gets it so its fine.  
  
Quat your beautiful (though you should put down the books at some point ::sticks tongue  
  
out::). Your talented, caring, understanding, constantly worried (even if its small),  
  
hugable (though I let ya hug everyone else more. Your closer to them. I respect that),  
  
fun, funny (usually an intellectual joke), and a good person to lean on if anyone has  
  
problems.  
  
I regret not getting closer to you but I guess it was just not meant to be. That doesn't  
  
mean I cant love you as much as I do the rest.  
  
And I do.  
  
Can any of you see what I have done to myself? I've allowed myself to love four people  
  
that I can never have. Four people who I was too afraid to say this to their faces. You  
  
wonder why I want you to hate me? Or why I want you to not care? That is it. I have  
  
fallen. Fallen in love with four people who have fought and survived the war as I have. I  
  
have no right in feeling this way. Its not my place. How dare I even say, much less think  
  
such things?  
  
There you have it. The one secret that I have hidden away. The final piece to the puzzle  
  
of me. I love you too much. So much I can no longer take it. I am weak. Too weak to  
  
hide forever.  
  
I will always love you.  
  
Even in death  
  
This is the last time I will bleed  
  
The last time I will be pained by my own thoughts  
  
I love you,  
  
Duo Maxwell  
  
I cried. Even as a lost soul my tears flowed like rivers. I just couldn't take it anymore.   
  
So I did the only logical thing in my storm of confusion.  
  
I took my life.  
  
I took those pills and drank that alcohol. I took that blade and drew a scythe out of my  
  
own crimson blood. I eventually died. In that safe-house. The last one that everyone  
  
once smiled in.  
  
I am a lost spirit now. Alone, confused with nowhere to call home. No one to run to. If  
  
there was one thing I regretted it was not telling them to their faces. Not admitting how I  
  
felt. It bothers me. Not knowing how they would have acted.  
  
Guess I'll never know. 


End file.
